Far from perfect.

My life is far from perfect, no bodies life is perfect, My relationship is far from perfect but who's is?
I act as if im happy but to be quite honest im far from happy. I put on a face just to stop people asking if im ok. I put a face on to stop bringing people down with me. But deep down inside im crumbling slowly.
I just wish i could feel happy all the time and not give a fuck about any one but i cant. Everything gets to me even if i dont show it. I wish my relationship was perfect but its not its on the edge!
Why do i have to be such a violent bitch? I hurt everyone around me and push every one away. The people i love the most are slowly walking out my life and i dont know what to do. Depression is getting worse, My panic attacks are back and so are my thoughts of suicide and harming myself. When will this vicious circle ever end? When will i get better? I just cant take it no more. I just want to take my kids and run away forever and start a new life on my own away from all the shit. Not like anyone would care any way.
I feel so alone its unreal. Just gonna sit and cry as i do every night any way,  Im so thankful for my family and kids or id be gone.

I NEED to let it all out but cant.

Hardest thing ever is acting like nothing has happened.

There is so much i need to get off my chest but can't not even on here!
I have so much running through my head its unreal, I wish it was all a dream but hey its not. I have to live everyday of my life knowing what i know! I make out like its nothing and try brushing it off but deep down, Its killing me. I think about it every single day not a day goes by when i dont. I cant sleep at night because its all im thinking about. Am i doing the right thing here or am i just thinking for others again?
I wish things were different but they aint so i guess ill have to wipe away the tears lift my head high and paint a smile on my face and live life as if its nothing.

I just want to be normal.

I don't feel normal!

I just want to be normal, But what is normal?
To me normal is, being able to wake up without worrying if today is going to be a down day, to be able to go out alone without panicking or having random panic attacks over nothing. To me normal is being able to go into a crowded place alone without feeling like everyone is staring,laughing and talking about me. People say there is no normal, But to me there is. I feel alone, feel as if no one knows whats going on, But i know damn well their are people out there that are going through the exact same as me. Maybe one day just maybe i will be able to leave the house without worrying or wake up happy. But i know that's never going to happen. Mental illness is not something to make fun of, No one knows you have it, you suffer in silence all the time and when you do tell people you get accused of being an attention seeker or lying about it. No one ever has a right to judge people with a mental illness unless they have been through it. But i suppose its a hurdle in everyday life that some people have to go through.

My mum is my best friend.

My mum is my world!

My mum is one in a million, I really dont know what id do without her. Not only is she my mother buts she is my bestfriend and world!! She is ALWAYS there for me no matter what, she helps me through everything i can never thank her enough, She has made me the person i am today. I know i can sit and talk to her in confidence about anything, We have amazing laughs and cuddles! Yes we have our ups and downs but what mother and daughter doesnt? Plus we are too alike :P we clash personalities. Half the time people dont believe were mother and daughter they think we are sisters, tbh it does feel like were sisters. \im so close to my mum its unreal. She helps me through all the tough times even if she's having a bad day herself. But we always like a good old bitch about people ;) who doesn't.

I will never ever stop loving my mummy she is totally amazing and i love her too much for words to describe, She amazing, beautiful, kind, caring and an amazing mammar to Riley and Nancy!!

Mummy if your reading this I LOVE YOU SO EFFING MUCH!!!!!! 

How could you say that to your own daughter.

You don't care about me.

My mum told me that the man that bought me up wasnt my real farther. I wasnt bothered but wanted to find my real farther. So she gave me his name, I searched everywere eventually i found my cousins uncles and auties on facebook. i was so excited finally i thought i could meet my family. I inboxed my cousin explaining who i was. She was happy to finally find me, we started talking for a while then all of a sudden she stopped. i received a mail explaining my "dad" had told them never to contact me! My heart sunk my dreams of finding my family had ended just like that! Then i found out i had a little brother, I want to meet him so bad see if he is anything like me, I tried adding him on facebook but he then blocked me. I found out my "dad"" had told him to. I finally found my step mother on facebook and inboxed her asking if i could meet her and me "dad" her reply was something along the lines of " He doesnt want to know you you are not part of our family, do you know how much heart ache you have caused us all, just go away leave us all alone you will never be part of our family never get intouh again." I was heart broken i tried not to cry but couldnt hold it in, how can blood say something like that to me i am his own flesh and blood! I dont understand what i had done wrong. I got the picture he didnt want me in my life but thats no reason to stop my cousins or brother after all we are blood. To this day i cant get it out my head what he had said. But im so thankful i have a mum and family who care about me. One day i will meet them even if it means finding their address and just turning up!

No one know what goes on behind closed doors.

I feel so alone.

Every day is a battle, I have to cope with two children, depression and everyday crap. Everyone seems to hate me, For what reason? i dont know. I try and brush it off but its eating me away inside slowly. I have no real life friends only internet friends which im thankful for, I know i can talk to them without them judging me, I also have my family, My mum isnt just a mum she is my best friend i can tell her anything.
I my self am a self harmer, When i get down and depressed i cut myself, It relieves all the pain i have building up inside, No im not proud of that infact im ashamed! i hate myself for doing it but its the only way. No one will ever understand what im going through or what ive been through they just sit ad slag me off every chance they get. Im not a bad person, i try to love every one but its hard when all i get is criticism, I am the way i am because of my history not because i chose to be this way, If i could change trust me i would.
Maybe one day just maybe people will try and understand me and give me less hate. All i ever do is try my best for people and i get it thrown back in my face. I have turned to tattoos and piercings to relieve my stress hence why i have so many. i havent cut my self in months yes ive had thoughts of it but ive never gone through with it.

You left me when i needed you the most!

I felt worthless!

My depression had hit rock bottom my boyfriend had walked in on me cutting myself, I was sat on the floor pouring with blood sobbing my heart out, I didnt know what i had done i was expecting him to wrap his arms around me and say it will all be ok, But instead he looked at me called me a twat walked out the room and packed his bags and left me. I was heart broken. That pushed me over the edge our relationship wasnt great but it was ok for me i had been with him for 4 years im now 18. He had left me sat sobbing bleeding on my own with 2 young children, i didnt know what to do. That moment i carried on cutting myself, I remembered just sitting there hoping he'd come back but he didnt. weeks passed no phone call nothing he threatened me with SS and court, threatening texts were coming so were the phone calls, i felt worthless and like my children could do better. all them weeks i sat thinking maybe he is right maybe i am a crap mum, maybe my kids do deserve better. one night i received a text message from him saying " Your are stupid childish and pathetic, them kids dont deserve you! Your unfit, Dont worry SS will know about it all you silly little bitch" Well that pushed it! That night i bathed fed the kids and put them to bed, All that day i had planned what i was going to do, put the kids to bed lock the door and do it. So thats what i did put the kids to bed said my goodbye's told them how much i loved them, locked my door and went into my room. I remember thinking to myself im better off dead, my kids dont need me, no one loves me im just worthless, i took one pill after another until i had finished 2 packs of my antidepressants, I started feeling shakey sick and dizzy. I didnt know what to do so i rang my mum and she rang the ambulance, That moment i knew it was a mistake i didnt want to die, i loved my kids. The ambulance got here and the paramedic turned around to me and said "what did you do that for you silly girl you have children" i felt so small at that moment. I got to hospital, i was alone as my mum had the children. All the doctors were staring and talking about me i could hear them say "she has two kids why would she do that" i just wanted to fall into a pit i felt so stupid. I had blood tests done all night and was taken into ward 101 with 24/7 monitoring, i wasnt even alloud out for a fag as they thought id do something, i was watched all night, then saw a psychiatrist in the morning . I just sat and sobbed everything out to her. I felt so stupid and to this day i cant ever forgive myself, I hate myself for what i did i was selfish to even think of leaving my children. But if you ever feel the way i did talk to some one even if its online it helps, i wish i had the strength to as now i have ss on my back for support and hv round every week to check me.

Just a little about me.

Were do i start?

Well i'm an 18 year old mummy of two. A 16 month old little boy and a 4month old little girl. I have a boyfriend which i've been with for 4years despite our 2 month break up, But ill come onto that later.

I first fell pregnant at 16 i was so happy, finally we was having a little baby to complete our family, This was not deliberate but the pill had failed. 

But despite all that we was happy my family wasn't too bad but his were fuming, they went mental at us. But at that point we had been searching for a house he had a job and we started saving.

12 week scan came, perfect little baby no problems all healthy. 20 week scancame we was itching to find out what we was having, "LITTLE BOY" they said we was so happy we had a name already Riley Steven.

I was 17 when i had him, 19th April 2011 7:26pm 5lb 13oz. We was so happy we both cried.

Five months came, by this time we had our own place, i was getting cramps and missed a period. I sent him out to get me a test as i couldnt wait long enough for the ones to come through the post.

I pee'd on the stick and oh look i was pregnant i was shaking, i was filled with so many emotions i was happy yet scared, i was worried what my mum would say, Arron was crying, he was happy but also scared.

I was only scared as i had depression and on medication to help m i didn't think id cope.

Well i ran across to my mum and her face she was so happy she was screaming with excitement!

Well for Arrons family they wernt so happy!

12 weeks came totally perfect, 16 weeks came private scan your having a "LITTLE GIRL" we cried we had one of each. We had a name for her, Nancy Maria.

I got to about 30 weeks and was admitted to hospital with cramps, they said i was in slow early labour i was in for 2 weeks then they sent me home, 33 weeks came and i started bleeding and cramping so was admitted once again, i was given steroid jabs and monitored daily.

35 weeks cam i was still in hospital and started getting contractions they took me to labour ward and she was born 26th June 2012, 6:05am 5lb 11oz. 

My beautiful little girl had curly brown lock! Finally our family was complete. New home and two children we was so happy.

My wish had finally come true.