Far from perfect.

My life is far from perfect, no bodies life is perfect, My relationship is far from perfect but who's is?
I act as if im happy but to be quite honest im far from happy. I put on a face just to stop people asking if im ok. I put a face on to stop bringing people down with me. But deep down inside im crumbling slowly.
I just wish i could feel happy all the time and not give a fuck about any one but i cant. Everything gets to me even if i dont show it. I wish my relationship was perfect but its not its on the edge!
Why do i have to be such a violent bitch? I hurt everyone around me and push every one away. The people i love the most are slowly walking out my life and i dont know what to do. Depression is getting worse, My panic attacks are back and so are my thoughts of suicide and harming myself. When will this vicious circle ever end? When will i get better? I just cant take it no more. I just want to take my kids and run away forever and start a new life on my own away from all the shit. Not like anyone would care any way.
I feel so alone its unreal. Just gonna sit and cry as i do every night any way,  Im so thankful for my family and kids or id be gone.