You left me when i needed you the most!

I felt worthless!

My depression had hit rock bottom my boyfriend had walked in on me cutting myself, I was sat on the floor pouring with blood sobbing my heart out, I didnt know what i had done i was expecting him to wrap his arms around me and say it will all be ok, But instead he looked at me called me a twat walked out the room and packed his bags and left me. I was heart broken. That pushed me over the edge our relationship wasnt great but it was ok for me i had been with him for 4 years im now 18. He had left me sat sobbing bleeding on my own with 2 young children, i didnt know what to do. That moment i carried on cutting myself, I remembered just sitting there hoping he'd come back but he didnt. weeks passed no phone call nothing he threatened me with SS and court, threatening texts were coming so were the phone calls, i felt worthless and like my children could do better. all them weeks i sat thinking maybe he is right maybe i am a crap mum, maybe my kids do deserve better. one night i received a text message from him saying " Your are stupid childish and pathetic, them kids dont deserve you! Your unfit, Dont worry SS will know about it all you silly little bitch" Well that pushed it! That night i bathed fed the kids and put them to bed, All that day i had planned what i was going to do, put the kids to bed lock the door and do it. So thats what i did put the kids to bed said my goodbye's told them how much i loved them, locked my door and went into my room. I remember thinking to myself im better off dead, my kids dont need me, no one loves me im just worthless, i took one pill after another until i had finished 2 packs of my antidepressants, I started feeling shakey sick and dizzy. I didnt know what to do so i rang my mum and she rang the ambulance, That moment i knew it was a mistake i didnt want to die, i loved my kids. The ambulance got here and the paramedic turned around to me and said "what did you do that for you silly girl you have children" i felt so small at that moment. I got to hospital, i was alone as my mum had the children. All the doctors were staring and talking about me i could hear them say "she has two kids why would she do that" i just wanted to fall into a pit i felt so stupid. I had blood tests done all night and was taken into ward 101 with 24/7 monitoring, i wasnt even alloud out for a fag as they thought id do something, i was watched all night, then saw a psychiatrist in the morning . I just sat and sobbed everything out to her. I felt so stupid and to this day i cant ever forgive myself, I hate myself for what i did i was selfish to even think of leaving my children. But if you ever feel the way i did talk to some one even if its online it helps, i wish i had the strength to as now i have ss on my back for support and hv round every week to check me.